Surprised

There have been a few times that my reaction to a situation surprised even me. One I remember vividly involves a special Christmas present I received from my daughter years ago. The gift inside the beautifully wrapped box immediately touched my heart and the emotion was so strong all I could do was cry.

Today I once again experienced that level of emotion. My husband and I are temporarily living in different states. I've kept strong by telling myself, "it could be worse he could be with a branch of the Armed Services and deployed to a foreign country", or, "it could be worse he could be a missionary in the jungles somewhere in South America". I thought if I kept that perspective I could easily handle our being apart temporarily.

Then tonight on my way home I became completely frustrated when our cell phone connection was bad causing conversation to be difficult. I told him that when I got to the apartment I would call him using Skype. For some reason the connection to the wireless service was not working and after a number of failed attempts I tried the cell phone again. While we spoke I kept trying to get my internet working. Then...SUCCESS!

We connected and the webcam turned on and there was his face smiling at me. Immediately I cried. I guess the tension of my technology not working for me built up so much that subconsciously I thought I'd not get to see his face and then THERE IT WAS! The overwhelming gratitude that I could see him resulted in tears.

Now, with our conversation over I begin thinking about my relationship with God. How many times is it like what I experienced tonight? Broken words, disconnected sentences, dropped line, etc. Sometimes I think my prayers must feel like that to God. I start and stop, I don't stay on topic, often I'm distracted by other things and may not even complete the prayer. God is just left hanging on, waiting, and waiting. All the time missing me and wishing we spent more time together, or at the very least that our time together would be free from distractions.

Then, we have that moment when I make that time with the Lord a priority and one that is free from things that would draw me away. I listen and wait for God instead of vomiting out my list of things I "need" or am worried about. I imagine God has an experience like I had with my husband. A moment where He sees me clearly and His heart is moved by the preciousness of it.

Romans 12:12 (NIV)
"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

Dear Heavenly Father, please forgive me for those many times I have not stayed focused. Forgive me for all the times I didn't even stop to pray. You give me free access to You 24/7 and yet I fail to seek You as I should. Father God, have mercy on Your servant. Break my heart for what breaks Yours. Let my word's be few and my time with You be plenty. AMEN

Fear

Lately I've been thinking a lot about fear. I have come to the conclusion that in most cases fear is simply the absence of trusting in the Lord with all my heart, with all my soul and with all my mind. I say "simply" like it is an easy thing to overcome fear. Experience has shown me that is not the case.

I have been spending a lot of time alone driving in my car lately. This is good because it gives me time to think and pray. Recently I was thinking about all the times I've been told "Be careful what you pray for" and I remember specifically being warned against praying for patience. The reasoning was because God will give you hard and difficult situations that will give you no choice but to learn patience. Insinuating that it is only by God bringing you to a breaking point that He can teach you anything.

So here is where that teaching landed me. I was driving on a long quiet road having a great conversation with God when suddenly I stopped because I desired to pray that God would empty me of all I am and fill me with all He is. Then the thought "BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU PRAY FOR" screamed in my mind. So I tried to think through all the things I've read in the Bible that would support that advice.

Nothing came to mind. Only positive verses came to mind regarding how and what to pray for. I could think of none that said "BE CAREFUL" because I (GOD) will test you first and try you until it hurts before I give you what you ask for. So I wondered. Why did I pause in my prayer? Fear. Have I been so influenced by these other people that it has caused me to have an incorrect view of God?

James 4:2 states "You do not have because you do not ask God." Now the word "simple" comes back to mind. That is sound and simple advice.

That brings me back to the prayer I had in the car the other day. Fear stopped me from asking fully for what I desired. Fear that God would somehow have to break me, or take away all He has blessed me with in order for me to experience what I desire. Fear...stupid fear. If I fully trust God then I would know that He would never give me more than He knows I'm capable of handling. He would never harm me. He would never abandon me. I would fully trust that His plans for my future are good. Yes, I need to learn to trust Him more.

Trust in God will drive out fear.

Psalm 112:7 (NIV)
"They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord."

AMEN