So I wake up each morning with a really good attitude knowing God is in control. I have an easy time riding into work as the traffic is slightly lighter than usual, mostly due to schools being closed. I get to the office and open things up. That’s when it hits me. Nothing is as it should be. This worldwide crisis has changed everything. And, while I know this is temporary that doesn’t change the gravity of what I’m feeling. In the course of a few hours I swing from optimism to hopelessness.
Church is done online now and I’m so grateful for that. However, it’s not the same. I’ve been Christian a long time and have a strong faith. So, why then this stirring in the pit of my stomach? Why do I feel like I’m one word away from a long hard cry? And, what can I even do to change the way I feel right now?
My heart hurts for those going through a tough time in this environment. Losing a loved one and not being able to have a funeral with others who will help you carry your grief. Stuck in another country unable to come home. Being told your job is “on hold” as the place you work has to shut down. Having a loved one in an elder care facility, or the hospital, and not even being able to visit. And the list goes on. Sometimes the stories come in so fast it is impossible to process what I just heard.
That stirring in the pit of my stomach, and the need for a long hard cry, are now accompanied by an inability to concentrate, a stiff neck and sore shoulders. I work for a nonprofit, what happens when donations stop coming in? I’m closer to retirement each year and what happens now to my retirement funds with the stock market doing so poorly. In the 80's when that happened I was decades away from retirement and knew things could recover. Recently, someone asked me, “how much have you lost”? I haven’t looked. I don’t want to know.
I tell myself, “none of this surprised God” and expect that to be enough. But, to be honest, it isn’t. Does that make my faith weak? Probably. Does that make me more human than I want to be? Definitely.
Advice I’ve received from others: “Don’t watch the news”, “Don’t read news-feeds on the internet”, “Don’t stress about it, it’s out of your control”. Probably all good advice, just not practical. Ministry responsibilities require me to be on top of things, to be “in the know”. And, even if they didn’t you simply can’t get away from it.
“Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad?” Psalm 43:5a (NLT)
Written thousands of years ago, I ask these same questions now like I’m the first person to ever have them. I forget that in the past, many dealt with circumstances that brought them to this same place I find myself in. Many times in human history, world changing events happened that caused great stress for those living through them. Yet, somehow, society went on. Often, very different from what it once was. Humans have this amazing capacity to adapt. They work through pain, grief, loss, change, heartache, famine, poverty, and much more. Some don’t make it but most do. I want to be part of the most. God willing, I can be part of the future. Perhaps, the world might be a little better when all is said and done.
For now I’m called to trust. Not in a government or a system, but in God. The God who created all things, including us fallen humans. And, for some reason He felt we were of great value. So great that He sent his only Son to die for us. Wow. If that doesn’t bring perspective then “your woods all wet”. God didn’t have to do that, He wanted to. He could have just wiped it all out and started over (the etch-a-sketch plan). But He didn’t. I am amazed once again at how loved I am by God. In fact, I just breathed a heavy sigh of relief. Everything going on in the world does not sit on my shoulders; it never did. And, God is still God. That never changes. He has broad shoulders and He is enough.
“I will put my hope in God! I will praise Him again, my Savior and my God!” Psalm 43:5b (NLT)
The Psalmist made this shift so quickly. In the same verse he went from discouragement and depression to hope and praise! And guess what? Nothing in his circumstances had changed. He was still taunted by his enemies, oppressed and hunted. So, what happened here? It seems to me that he stopped looking at things from a horizontal perspective and started using a vertical one.
Father God, lift my eyes to You. Keep my focus on the eternal and not the temporal. Remind me of the great things You have down so I will anticipate with hope in the great things You are yet to do. My Savior, My Lord; be my strength when I am weak. Take me as you find me but don’t leave me there. When my head hangs low, lift my chin. The miracles in the Bible were not Your last miracles. You, Jehovah, are still in the business of performing miracles. May You heal our land. May You give hope to the hopeless. And, if I am found worthy, may You use this humble servant to help even one person who needs help right now. Not for my namesake but for Yours. AMEN
